This edition brought to you by A) people who list rental properties on Craigslist and B) the university population in general, of which I expect better, although I clearly shouldn’t get my hopes up.

  • Houses have CURB APPEAL, not CURVE APPEAL. What the hell is curve appeal? How could anyone possibly think that’s the phrase? It MAKES NO SENSE. Unless you live in a yurt, which I doubt you do.
  • Quotation marks have very specific uses, and sticking them in to randomly emphasize a word isn’t one of them, despite the apparently rampant belief otherwise. When one places a word within “quotation marks” it implies the phrase, if not an actual quotation, is ironically used. And so is the OPPOSITE of what you are trying to say. If, therefore, you write that your house is in “mint” condition, I am going to assume it is actually a run-down dump. Ok? Similarly, if you call it a “FANTASTIC DEAL” I’m assuming you have jacked up the rent to a ridiculous sum. Well, actually that probably is true. Never mind.
  • Similarly, the only phrases that need quotaton marks surrounding them are ACTUAL QUOTATIONS. With attributions. One of the campus buildings near here sports little signs on the doors informing people that they need to use their university ID to access the building after hours. Only it’s in quotes. The whole thing. My friend Deb has repeatedly used a black Sharpie to attribute “M Card must be used to access building after hours” variously to Cicero, JFK, Ghandi, and St. Thomas More. I’m terribly afraid that no one gets the joke, however, and I don’t want to know if that’s true. Because it’s a LANGUAGE ARTS BUILDING.
  • Can we talk about misplaced apostrophes for a minute? There is a veritable epidemic in progress, and no one seems to care. Ok, except maybe these people. My recent perusals of real-estate listings have only served to remind me how rampant this is, apostrophes flung about everywhere without a care, but it doesn’t take much examination to realize this is a far-reaching plague. And it is annoying. Because the rules for apostrophes aren’t actually all that difficult. Let’s review (not to imply that you, Gentle Reader, need this review, but for the sake of argument, let us continue):
  • Apostrophes are used to indicate possession and form contractions, NOT TO MAKE NOUNS PLURAL. For example: I don’t [contraction] think Paula Abdul’s [possession] Coke cup contains actual Coca-Cola. Apostrophes indicate POSSESSION, not plurality. Paula’s Coke cup, not All of the Coke cup’s. Or, to take an example from a recent Craiglist rental posting, hardwood floors’ and new window’s. Just typing that out and looking at it again is giving me hives. (NOT hive’s.) The window’s what? Beautiful view? Smudged glass? WHAT? I NEED TO KNOW!
  • So apparently, although it seems fairly straightforward, the rules are more difficult to comprehend than would would think. Judging from the number of egregious violations I see on a daily basis, very few people retain any knowledge of this after they leave high school, and so just assume that any s they see is utterly bereft if there is no apostrophe either before or after it.
  • While we’re on the subject, if you are going to use an apostrophe to indicate a conjunction or colloquialism, for pity’s sake put the thing in the correct place. Aren’t not are’nt. Li’l not Lil’ (although avoiding that usage altogether wouldn’t break my heart; is it that difficult to say LITTLE instead?). Y’all, not ya’ll. The apostrophe replaces the missing letter or letters.
  • You’re/your and whose/who’s and it’s/its’/its form an entire subset of the apostrophe abuse issue all on their own. It gives me a headache on top of the hives to think about it. We’ve all screwed these up once in a while, as have I if I’m tired or distracted while typing, but in general it isn’t as difficult as people make it out to be. Really.
  • Here’s a random one that probably only bugs me. If you ADOPT something/someone, you are making his/her/it your own. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable, technically, to adopt a rule, a custom, a habit, a highway, whatever. (I’m leaving the emotional associations of the word out of this discussion, thanks.) If you ADAPT something, you are changing it. If you adapt the by-laws, you alter them in some way. If you adopt the said by-laws, you are making them the rules for your organization, unaltered.
  • Affect/effect. These words are NOT interchangeable. This is another one of those that bothers me to no end, and I couldn’t even tell you why. It just does. The two words are different PARTS OF SPEECH. (Affect is a verb, effect is a noun, if you are wondering.) They are even SPELLED DIFFERENTLY.
  • While we’re on a/e confusion, what’s the problem with accept/except/expect? Again, completely different words. Meaning very different things. But I keep reading about people “excepting a package” (or worse, a baby) or “not excepting checks” and I want to cry.
  • Per se is Latin for “of itself.” Per say is not anything.
  • BAITED BREATH. ZOMG, people, please, please, PLEASE stop writing “baited breath.” I am BEGGING YOU. Bated. It’s BATED. I do understand the confusion; bated means held, as in abated, and it’s not a word in common usage. But just think about it for a minute. Baited breath would have to mean something entirely different from waiting so anxiously that one is holding one’s breath, and it would smell rather fishy.
  • This Onion article is a thing of beauty. Except that it kind of makes me want to cry, because it’s true.

As always, commentary and contributions gladly accepted. Or excepted. Or possibly expected.