Conversation with my five-year-old nephew earlier today:

B: “When I’m a daddy, I’m going back to live in [town his family recently moved away from]. With Alexa.”

Me: “With Alexa? Will she be the mommy?”

B: “Yup.” [Thoughtful pause] “But I hope we don’t have kids.”

Me: “Well B, if you’re a daddy, you’ll have kids. That’s what makes you a daddy.”

B: “I don’t want kids.”

Me: “Why not?”

B: “Because they poop on your head.”

Me: “WHAT?”

B: “Yes. When you give them piggy-back rides, of course.”

Me: “Oh really? Kids poop on daddies’ heads when their daddies give them piggy-back rides?”

B: “Yes. And I don’t want anyone to poop on my head.”

Me: “Well, I don’t blame you for that. But I don’t think that happens very often. You can probably still have kids, if you want.”

B: “Yes. It does. They poop on your head. That’s what I did.”

Me: “You pooped on your dad’s head when he was giving you a piggy-back ride? Really?”

B: “Yes. But he doesn’t remember. So don’t tell him, because he’d be really mad.”

So to all the fathers out there, I hope you all had a lovely, fun, poop-head-free Father’s Day. You deserve it.