For the last week or two I keep wondering why I keep this site going. I can’t keep up. I’m not feeling the funny or the deep thoughts right now. Other people are doing what I would like to do much better than I could do it. Other people do fantastic craft blogs, pop culture blogs, political blogs, parenting blogs. (To wit: see Danielle on Project Runway; see Amber on the Olympics and China, which I have been wanting to write about but haven’t had the energy.) I haven’t posted one my craft blog in at least two months. At one time I thought I’d found my niche writing about dealing with non-traditional family life, adoption and stepparenting, kids with severe ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder and Reactive Attachment Disorder and now Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder — but you know, that’s a lot of freaking disorder distributed between two kids and just dealing with it wears me out. Right now I’m too exhausted to relive it by writing about it. I’d intended to put it out there to help other parents dealing with similar difficulties but I don’t think I’d be a lot of help right now, and even if I would I can’t bring myself to make the effort. I am Just. Too. Tired.

Whine whine whine. Maybe things will feel better once school starts. Probably not, since then we have homework and behavioral issues to deal with, and Mark starting a new job in September (which, don’t get me wrong, is a good thing) that will likely have him working most afternoons. I’ll work all day and then come home and deal with the kids all evening until bedtime and beyond. Mimi had a two-hour-plus meltdown the other night that went on until past midnight because we changed our sheets. Seriously. The fucking SHEETS. Tell me how I am supposed to deal with that sort of thing and function, get anything done, or have anything left for the other kids or my husband, never mind for myself and the things I want. There’s just not time, and even if there was I don’t have the energy. So my things by default get moved to the bottom of the list — and then usually off the list altogether. I don’t know what else to do.

I’m not shutting down or even officially “taking a break” because that implies some sort of plan to come back. Right now I just don’t know what I want to do with this or whether I have time to do anything at all. So I may post occasionally but I can’t possibly post with any kind of regularity. And I can’t expect anyone to try and keep up with me when I don’t have time to keep up with anyone else’s blogs anyway. Most of my best friends are people who live hundred of miles away from me and I keep up with them via email, blogs, facebook, etc., but I am so out of touch right now that I feel guilt about that on top of everything else. I can’t even get my freaking email answered, never mind find time to check bloglines. I used to check facebook and a couple of forums several times a day; now if I manage once every couple of days I’m doing well.

I honestly don’t know if I’m looking at my depression and anxiety issues surging back to the forefront, and so coloring my outlook, or if it’s just exhaustion, or some of both. I came back from my trip feeling relaxed and recharged, and within a day or two I was completely worn down again. There is way too much going on right now and I am just overwhelmed.